I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
