Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
