He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
