i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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