I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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