hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
