: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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