My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
