Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
