turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
