When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
