Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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