wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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