this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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