I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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