I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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