3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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