So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
