I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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