If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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