it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
