Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
