I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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