I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
