Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
