go do what you do best...puke behind churches
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
