I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
