All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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