and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
