Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
