boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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