I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Text me some of your sweat
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