He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize