i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
