Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
