I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
3pm strippers are depressing
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
