let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
