saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
