Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
