can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
