i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
