All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My balls are so social today.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
