i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
