I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
