he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
