I've blown a few things in my day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
