Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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