Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
