I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
