I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
