if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
