When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
