Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
