I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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