He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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