I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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