OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
